Have you ever had to let someone go that you didn't want to give up? I hate that i have to let people go. I hate that i miss them so much and every fiber of my body wants to talk to them but i know that i had to stop. I know that i had to end things. But why does it have to be so hard. Even if it was an un-healthy relationship and it brought out the worst in me. Part of me wants to talk to them so bad. But i cant. I had to end it. For my own good.

-Madelynn Ann-

Ever had to make a choice of doing the wrong thing or the right thing. Even though the right thing would break you plus another. To choose to break their heart or not to. I hate decisions like this. I hate making people upset. I hate having to make the hardest choice i've ever encountered.

Breaking his heart was hard. I hated every minute of it. But i couldn't keep lieing to him.

I hated it, but had to.

Why is it when we make big decisions we just don't want to even move. Or think. Or speak. We just want to sit and be.

*Heartbreaker*
I sit here in silence.
Praying to god this will be over soon
Slowly releaseing the painful words that would stab him
Try to control my breathing
Holding back the tears that are about to come flowing
Feeling my heart ache as those words sink in for him
Hearing the tears come from his voice
Hearing him try not to scream
I feel weak and hurtful
Wishing i had kept my mouth shut
It had to be done
but i wish it didn't
My hand starts shaking
A tear escapes from my eye
Then the tears start flowing
Running down my face faster then i can breath
Tasting the salty saddness when i gasp for air
i can feel his heart break as we sit in silence
No one speaks
My chest becomes hard and stiff
I hold my breath praying he'll say something
"goodnight, i'll talk to you soon"
That's all i get
That's all i deserve
I sit in complete silence
crying and full of pain
I never wanted to be a heartbreaker

-Madelynn Ann-

Walking with God

Ok so I live about a mile and a half maybe two miles from my school. I missed my bus and decided to walk home. I did this alone as usual. As i was walking there was a girl behind me. Part of me wanted to say hello, but i wasn't having the best of days and wanted to think and to be alone. After about 30 minutes of walking next to each other she spoke to me.

Her: "Hi, my name is .........."

Me: "Well hello my name is........"

Her: "I noticed the cross on your neck"

Me: -laugh- "Well ya I'm a Christian, does that bother you?"

Her: "I don't believe in God."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Her: "Would you mind if I asked you a few questions."

Me: "Well it would depend if you would want an honest answer."

Her: "If there was a God why would my mother run away with that trucker. Why would I have to lie to my father about it. Why would i have to move here to the new apartments. Why would i have to move schools in the middle of my junior year. Why would God do this to my life"

I had to think about this one for a minute. I didn't want to say the wrong thing that would upset her. As she was asking me all this she began to cry. I could tell she was really asking me this.

Me: "Well, hun... I wish i could have all the things that would make it ok. But none of this is Gods fault. Life throws us curve balls and all we can do is swing away at them. All i can say is that I'm very sorry for what is going on but i hope that you wouldn't blame God. As you said you don't believe God, so i assume that neither of your parents do either. If you'd like i can give you my number and we can discuss this more..."

Her: "Umm... ok... I'd like that..."

Then we walked by her neighborhood and she said her goodbyes and we exchanged numbers.

While we were talking I didn't notice that there was a gentleman behind us listening to the conversation. After she walked away he came up to me.

Him: "That was very nice of you."

Me: "Um... Thanks?"

Him: "She needs help"

Me: "Um... Well I don't really think it's up to either of us to say if she needs help or not."

And me and him talked the rest of the way home. He walked me all the way to my house.

It's been an interesting day.

-Madelynn Ann-